February 2, 2014
The constant backspacing of trying to figure out how to start this has gone on for an hour, but I need to express this heavy feeling one way or another if I want to let go of this burden.
There is no feeling worse than having someone leave you, aside from a death of a close family member or friend. I have talked to people about my problem and they are not helping a single bit. One of them told me something that really hurt me even more. It goes along the lines of “ I don’t get what you are so hurt. I’ve been with this other person longer than you”. You may have been together longer than someone else, but at the end of the day we’re both in the same boat, We both have had our feelings hurt. You could be with someone for years and it didn’t workout, but thats not to say that the person next to you doesn’t know what that feels like. That’s not to say they won’t go through the same phase as you post of what happened. We all may take our own feeling of hurt, but we are still just that. Hurt.
Two years I’ve kept my eyes on this one girl. Two years. I always imagined that I could do the best for her if we ever ended up together. Knowing a brief background of what happened to that person is one thing, but not knowing them and seeing in their eyes that they have been through a lot the past couple of years is something else. I didn’t even talk to this girl for the longest time and I was already heartfelt by whatever may have happened to her. I’m not going to list how I actually got into talking to her and what happened because you could find it on my blog, but I knew if I didn’t talk to her or make a move, then I would regret this.
This whole thing happened where she had to move away to another state and yeah, I was already heartbroken. I thought to myself that I missed out on my chance of being even closer to her and getting to the point where we may end up together. So all I thought of was “yeah, she’s gone, but maybe one day we’ll somehow end up together.” During this time, I’ve had my share of more and more hurt. Two people that I have grown to trust and made myself vulnerable to, only ended up misleading me and deceiving me into thinking things. Those were the worst I have ever felt, but nothing will compare to how I felt later on in this mess of a rant.
I get word of her coming back and I didn’t know how to feel. My heart dropped and all I could think of was trying to spend as much time as I could with her. I finally see her and I was a little confused of how I should react at first, but I went with the flow. The first time we had actually planned to go somewhere was this water park. This is where all the feelings came back to me. There was an event that happened while we were at the park where some guy asked her for her name and number. From there, it all sunk into me. “Damn, I still really fucking love her”. I stormed off and left them alone. I was trying to play it off all cool when we had met back up, but she didn’t know that I was a bit jealous of what just happened. I went home that night to reevaluate myself and came to the conclusion that I need to do this. I need to pursue this girl.
There was a time when we went to IKEA and I was getting pushy with her. I wanted to kiss her so fucking bad, but I was way to insecure to make a move. We even discussed trying sort of a “playful” thing where we would kiss and all, but have no feelings about it. Even after that talk, I was still insecure about kissing her. When it finally happened, the memories of July 4th came back. I remembered what it was like kissing her and remembered the outline of her lips on mine. I felt happy. Happy in a way that it once again happened. I caught even more feelings for her, but she was tangled up in her own mess. She had her share of insecurities and habits she wasn’t proud of. With that in mind, I kept reminding her that I would always be there for her and that she isn’t the monster she described herself as. I always reminded her that “you will always be beautiful and no matter how hard you try to resist this compliment, I would always and still remind you that you are.”
There was this night where she fell asleep on my chest. It was surreal. She was fast asleep, but I was wide awake thinking “is this really happening?” But, nothing was more beautiful and perfect than having you wake up and looking up at me. Your makeup smeared on my chest and you told me that you were sorry that happened. I haven’t told you this, but nothing was more surreal than having that happen. It was that night where I felt like the tides were turning… And I followed it. It was from there on where my insecurities were fading and yours were as well. Not completely, but you were a more open person afterwards.
September 21, 2013
I finally got you. After sticking with you through the years, it finally happened. Not only me sticking with you, but you stuck with me and kept close even when we were distant. This was the happiest I’ve ever felt. Ever. I wanted to do the things I kept telling myself that I would do. I wanted to treat you the best I could. I didn’t…
Nothing was more fun than going to the fair and spending time together. Remember when I kept trying to get you to go on all these rides but you pussied out? Okay, i’ll give you credit on some because you did end up going. Another thing I never told you was that when we went onto the ferris wheel, it was really emotional to me. Sure you could say that it’s cheesy because of what it is, but I deeply was emotional. I remembered looking around the cart that we got in and seeing engraving of some couples that were on it or something fowl someone said. All I thought of when I saw that was us. How thankful and grateful I was for being together. The skyline of the park was amazing when we got to the peak of the ride. To you it may have been a ride, but to me, it was something more than that.
Come December everything fell apart. Even weeks before things were already rocky. I did not expect us to separate at the end of the month however. When it did happen, everything I said I would do and the way I would treat you came back to me.
This, was the worst feeling I have ever experienced.
I begged and begged, but you didn’t want to be together anymore. You wanted to do your own thing. We didn’t talk for 15 days. During those 15 days I thought deeply about what I’ve done. I’ve thought deeply about how I mistreated you towards the end. I was regretful, ashamed, embarrassed of my actions. This is not what I promised I would do prior to us starting to date. We did end up seeing each other, but you told me it wasn’t the same. From there I knew it was already too late. The damage had been done and there is no going back. I cried on the phone talking to you about how sorry I was. I truly was sorry and I meant every word of it. I kept thinking to myself “why the fuck am I just now thinking about all the shit I should’ve done? why the fuck am i only thinking of this now?” It was too late.
I knew beforehand that you had interest in someone else and that really got to me. I just wanted to hear it from you. Ever since then I’ve been in this deep world of pain and hurt. No, don’t think I haven’t tried to get better and think positively, because I have been and I’m still trying, it’s just hard when things remind me of you. it’s an up and down roller coaster of being fine to fuck i miss you come back. I don’t want you to get the impression that I’m not working on things, because I am. I just want you to understand where I am coming from.
Well, this is it. The last things I wanna say. I miss you already and I can’t even count the number of times I’ve bawled and shouted out to myself while typing this. It’s hard and yeah, I’m hurt. When I’ve left myself so vulnerable to a person, only to have them begone, then yeah it’s going to hurt. I miss you. I love you. I miss our fun times we had together. I miss the outline of your lips interlocked with mine. I miss cuddling. But most important of all, I’m going to miss having the one person that really understood me. It sucks thinking about what this next guy has in store for you. I hate thinking about it and I hate thinking of the romantic shit you may be doing, but I have no hate for him or grudge. I sincerely wish you both the best. I don’t want it to be goodbye. Who knows what the fuck is gonna happen. Did you and i ever think you would go through all that shit 2 years ago, fly to a different state, come back and somehow end up together? No.
Listen closely. I will always love you no matter what. You and I said this a while back. “we’re in each others lives for a fucking reason”. Whether we’ve found that reason or not, I’m always going to have your back.
Baby, the doors always open and you can always come right in. If anything happens to you, I’m always going to be a shoulder you can cry on.
I love you Chelsea…
fuck did i miss hearing you…